Last night like many Americans I wearily logged onto CNN to watch the debates.
I considered not doing it as I heated my sad gluten-free veggie lasagna. I thought, I could have a normal night. Reread some old Victorians, work on that novel I owe, finish the first pass of my forthcoming book, look at my manuscript consults. I could take a walk on Queens Boulevard with my poodle. I could meditate for the first time in months. I could even go to sleep early, at 9pm in fact, when the thing started.
Reader, I failed. I could not avoid it. Against my better judgment, I am once again very hooked on American politics.
I logged onto Twitter of course too because that’s the closest thing so many of us have to the family dinner now: a group of arguing, snickering, sarcastic, bored, argumentative people we feel inescapably bonded to offering their most cynical quips and dry jabs for points. It was a roller coaster as usual.
They began with Iran. I held my breath. Sanders and Warren sounded great-ish as usual. Biden looked strained. Buttigieg’s eyes were prettier than I remembered. Klobuchar’s hair reminded me of the wigs Hasidic women wear. I liked Steyer’s tie.
How can we deal with six more months of this? And then some more months til we have our answer? Just thinking of the DNC in mid July gives me hives.
I kept thinking as candidates crowed “let me be clear” and the split screen showed tense white faces clearly bursting with dark thoughts they could never utter and as moderators asked the usual inane questions, that we are really a cursed people and I hate us.
But who is us? Am I really a Democrat as I am registered? Liberal, left, progressive? Are these people really my people?
I kept watching. There came the question of the night, the one about Bernie allegedly saying women could not win, and I held my breath and it passed. I thought Bernie was flawless, my many friends who stan Warren thought she was flawless. God, we are fucked.
Today I woke up excited to try a brand new cereal with my oat milk and instead I got sidetracked with the #NeverWarren hashtag and snake emojis. Bernie bros, Bernie babes, is this us? Or bots? Meanwhile footage of Trump at his rally last night showed huge crowds and headlines claimed Trump said something about toilets again. We live in hell.
I read articles, I Wikipedia-ed to fact check. Tom Steyer, you liar, how self made is a person who has a lawyer dad, who attends Philip Exeter and Yale, and works at Morgan Stanley for his first job? Elizabeth, Bernie was right about the 30 years. Biden, why are you still here.
I walked my dog. It’s stopped being unseasonably warm. I’ve stopped crying about Iran. I wonder if I will watch the next debate. I think in my heart of hearts I feel sadly—horrifically!—that Trump will win because I have stopped trusting America.